Father's Day, 2008

June 15, 2008
 

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Today is Father's Day, 2008 - my first Father's Day without my father here. I guess I thought you would be here, by my side, to help me get through this day and share wonderful memories of him.

But, you are not here with me. You are there, with him. It just doesn't seem right or real. But, it is real. And that makes me doubly sad. I am without both of you, today; and I miss you both incredibly much.

A year ago, on this day, Dad was in the hospital. We visited with him and you took one of your incredible photos, with me on one side of him and you on the other. We are all smiling and I cherish that picture. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me that memory, on his last Father's Day.

Today must be a very difficult day for Robert Jr. & Sylvia - their first Father's Day without you. I know they love and miss you very much.

Your family celebrated Father's Day with a cookout at George & Corrine's. It was my first time going to a Ray family event without you. The hardest part was getting out of the car alone and walking up to the door alone without you by my side. I had to really fight back the tears and put a smile on my face and walk in. But, it was very nice to see everyone.

You are really missed by them and you were really loved by each of them. How I wish you could have seen and known that when you were here with them. Your loss has greatly affected them.

And it has greatly affected me. I miss you every day, but, today, on Father's Day, I especially miss you.

I find myself reflecting also on the fact that you and my Dad get to celebrate this day with your Heavenly Father. One day, my love, I will see and feel His incredible love also and will celebrate with you and my Dad and my Mom and your Mom. What a glorious day that will be!

Always Know That You Were Loved and Never Will Be Forgotten.

Love Always,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Sixth Month Anniversary of Bobby's Homegoing - June 16, 2008

June 16, 2008
 

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Six months - how can that much time have passed? How have I actually survived a half a year, I'll never know.

Usually, I write a long note here, but I can't tonight. I am just drained emotionally and cannot handle trying to put words to have much your loss affects me.

I am sure I'll be able to write again on another day, just not today.

Please know You Were Always Loved and Never Will be Forgotten.

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

I love and miss you daily.

"There Will be A Day" Jeremy Camp

Memorial Day, 2008

May 26, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Here I am, getting through another first holiday without you by my side - Memorial Day. I couldn't help but to reflect on losing you during this past year. I know today is the day set aside to remember all those brave men and women who selflessly gave their lives so the rest of us can be free. I remember you telling me of your brief time in the Navy. I sensed that you regretted not staying in. Your life may have turned out very differently if you had. I recall you reflecting on it when we received the flag given to me after my father died, in honor of his service in the Air Force. I can just imagine how handsome you would have looked in a Naval Officer's uniform!

I spent most of the day making picture movies of our years together. It warms my heart to see your happy face in the photos. Thanks for your wonderful insight in knowing the significance the picture taking would have, not only for me, but for your whole family, too. It will probably take me the rest of the year to finish the project.

You have left behind quite a legacy with your photography. I am working on ways to preserve your work so that all those who loved you will have these pieces of your precious memories.

I treasure those memories more than you could possibly know. Or perhaps, maybe, just maybe you do know. There have been times I felt like your presence was somehow in the room with me. It's hard to find the right words to describe it. I smile and look up towards heaven and softly ask if I'm having a "penny moment" experience! That comes from one of your favorite movies, Ghost. I wonder how many times we watched it? I can still hear your voice telling me that you didn't like Whoopi Goldberg, except in this one movie. You always teared up at the part where Patrick Swayze slid a penny under Demi Moore's door to prove to her that his presence was there with her even though he had died. I want you to know that I smile fondly as I indeed wonder if my "penny moments" could possibly be real.

Well my love, please know that you are missed very much. I will anxiously await my turn to travel to where you are.

Always Know, that You Were Loved, and Will Never Be Forgotten

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Fifth Month Anniversary of Bobby's Homegoing

May 16, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Five months have come and gone since that December day when you left us. I know you didn’t want to leave us that day, but often times in life, we don’t get to do what we want. It seems we just have to deal with what is given to us. And we are not given a choice, except in how we choose to respond.

Jahnette’s mother, Grace, is very ill. A malignant brain tumor was removed this week. Please ask God to send someone special to protect and guide her and the whole family as they seek to determine the best medical treatment for her. I know all too well the devastating impact a few words spoken by an unknown doctor can have. Ask God to comfort them with a peace that only comes from knowing Him.

I find myself heading into what will likely be an emotionally charged long weekend. Today and tomorrow, along with about 15,000 other women I will be attending the Women of Faith Conference, Infinite Grace. Sherri, my very dear niece, has made sure that I have a ticket to attend. For that, I am immensely grateful. Seeing and hearing the speakers will be like visiting old friends. Because…

I last attended a Women of Faith conference in 1996, the year Ed decided to divorce me. As you know from our many conversations early in our relationship, I was devastated by that event. I felt so alone and so heartbroken that I couldn’t even envision what the years ahead in my life would look like. But, after spending a weekend with inspiring ladies like Barbara Johnson, Patsy Clairmont, Marilyn Meberg, Shelia Walsh and Luci Swindoll, I began to feel like I just might find the strength to survive. From those dear ladies, I learned that you could be laughing one moment at something they said, but then suddenly you could find yourself tearing up with emotion at the poignancy of the story being shared. Or you would have tears as a sad story was being shared and then suddenly they would say something that had you laughing hysterically. It is a good emotional roller coaster to be on. And I believe great healing of our inner spirit can come to us through these times.

Thankfully, I kept several audio cassettes from those ladies. I recall you and I listening to them while we traveled on our little get-a-way weekend vacations. You laughed and laughed at their stories. I really enjoyed that about of you. Most men would never have listened to the tapes at all. Yet, you actually enjoyed hearing them. I believe they brought us closer. Now, while I find myself going through this profound sadness and loneliness at losing you, I am anxious to see these ladies again. I am drained emotionally and I look forward to hearing them speak again and getting filled up again.

The most amazing thing is happening at Women of Faith this time. There will be one man speaker. At first, I thought how strange to have a man speaker at a women’s conference. And then I wept with complete amazement at seeing the hand of God working in the intricate details of my life. That one man is none other than Max Lucado.

I was reading Max Lucado’s book, In the Eye of the Storm, A Day in the Life of Jesus, to you, throughout what was, ultimately your last day on this earth. I had brought the book to the hospital to read to you, thinking it was a book you had given to me. I knew you enjoyed his books and his unique style of writing. I recall one Christmas you picked out Max Lucado’s book, In Case In Case You Ever Wonder for each of our children. You insisted they understood that you wanted them to read the book to each of their children individually. You wanted each of our grandchildren to know how special they are.

When I opened the book to begin reading, I gasped audibly when I saw a bookplate with the name, Alice Ray. It was your Mom’s book. I felt there was great significance in the symbolism of reading your Mom’s book to you in the hours preceding your final moments on earth. It was as if God put that book on my heart to bring and read to you to signify that your Mother would be waiting nearby to greet you.

I believe God uses the threads of our lives to weave our individual and unique tapestry. I am humbled by the realization that He cares so much about even the tiniest things in our lives. To think that out of all the Christian authors in our country, Max Lucado was chosen to be the one man speaker, and that I will get to see and hear him tonight and tomorrow is absolutely amazing. God is so good to us; God is so good to me. Please thank Him for me, for the golden threads that he is weaving into my tapestry through this Women of Faith weekend. I am going with the expectation that I will laugh; I will cry; and I will be blessed.

As You Know, You Were Always Loved, and Never Will Be Forgotten.
Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Mother's Day, 2008

May 11, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

My first Mother's Day without you by my side, making me feel special for being a mother and a grandma. I missed you so many moments with you today. The first moment was when I woke up. I remember last year, you woke me up with a cup of coffee, a rose and a letter telling me to have a wonderful day because I deserved it. You wrote that you loved me and wanted to make the day special for me by treating me special. You did, my love. As I remember, I can almost smell the breakfast you cooked for me. You were so proud of the hash browns you made.

I missed you as I went to your mother's grave site and laid a rose there. It was very emotional as I remembered how much you were affected when you were there last year on the anniversary of her death. I held you in my arms and you laid your head on me and let the tears flow.

I missed you taking me to my mother's grave site as you did last year. You were always so faithful to taking me there a couple times a year. I remember how you would bend down and clear up the area around her. You even insisted on bringing a rake to clear the fallen leaves from where she was buried. I remember the tender way you would hold me and let my tears of sadness fall. I would say how I wish you could have known her. You would say that you wished you could have known her too.

Well my love, there you are, surrounded with the joy of being with not only your beloved mother, but also my dear mother. I try to imagine what it was like at the moment of your reunion with your Mom. I can picture in my mind her big smile, with her red lipstick. You have the biggest,most brilliant smile ever. And then I try to imagine your Mom introducing you to my Mom. There good old friends by now, I'm sure. My Mom loved Jesus just as your did. Enjoy them both for me.

I did miss you terribly today. But always remember how very deeply you were loved on this earth by me and many others. Sylvia really missed you today. Her first Mother's Day without a phone call from you. I spent the afternoon and evening with her and shared some special pictures of you with her. It was very nice.

Take care my love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

National Day of Prayer, May 1, 2008

May 01, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Today, May 1, is the National Day of Prayer. As I was driving to work this morning, I was praying and talking to God, asking him to please bless our country and guide our leaders during these tumultuous days, when suddenly you came to my mind.

You don't need a government sponsored decree for a day of prayer where you are, do you? You are where answered prayer originates! How awesome it must be where you are.

I prayed today for our family. I named them one by one and asked God to bless and watch over each of them.

Last night Noah was in the kitchen looking at your pictures on the refrigerator door. I was in the living room. He called out loudly to me, "Grandma, why did Grandpa Robert have to die?" Wow, what a question to have to answer unexpectedly, to a 4 yr old. I simply reminded him that you were very sick and that the doctors tried really hard to make you well, but they couldn't and so God took you to His home in Heaven and that you aren't sick anymore. He misses you a lot. I thank you for making him feel special on those days he was with us. You really touched his life and he is genuinely sad that you aren't here. I tell him its okay to be sad and miss you. I tell him that I am sad and I miss you too.

I remember when you and I prayed last year on May 1, the National Day of Prayer. I can't help but wonder how you and I would have lived our lives differently on those days between May 1 and December 16, if we had known that our time together on this earth as husband and wife was going to be so short. I know I would have prayed and asked God to show me how to be a better wife to you. I would have tried harder to get you to eat healthy and I would have tried harder to be strong for you and fight harder for you when you felt weakness take over. I know I would have prayed that God would let you stay with us longer. I would also have prayed that you could know how very much you meant to so many of your family and friends. Maybe, just maybe, knowing that, you would have made you fight harder to get healthy and stay with us for a long, long time.

That would have been a wonderful answer to my prayers. But, it wasn't to be. I guess it wasn't in God's plan, although I readily admit I just don't understand why we had to lose you so soon. We weren't ready to say good-bye to you, but I guess God was ready to welcome you into His home. I know you are safe now which I guess in an odd way is an answer to my prayer. You will never know how many times I prayed for God to keep you safe and bring you home. In the end, He did keep you safe and He did bring you home; but it wasn't to my home, it was to His.

I'll never forget the warmth of your hand holding mine and hearing your voice praying together with me and for me. Those are special memories I will hold close to my heart always.

Until we are one day together again..
Always know that...
You Will Never Be Forgotten and You Were Always Loved.

Kim Phil 4:13