Christmas, 2008 - Second Christmas Since Bobby's Homegoing

December 25, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Merry Christmas, my love! How I missed you today. I can only imagine what a Christmas celebration in Heaven might be like. Of course, you most certainly get to celebrate and praise Jesus each and every day. But I do wonder, if where you are, if the celebration is extraordinary on this very special day, commemorating the birth of the baby Jesus in Bethlehem, on a night, two thousand eight years ago. I would imagine it is.

Today, you are spending Christmas in Heaven, for the second year. Last year is almost a blur to me, as Christmas came just four days after we held your Celebration of Life service.

Now that I have had the benefit of a whole year passing by, and have had to celebrate many holidays and special days without you by my side, I believe I have a deeper perspective. I still miss you deeply.

For the Christmas holidays, I drove over to Blythe & Jahnette's home in Destin. It was fun to watch the excited faces of Andrew, Bailee, Gabriela and Kendall on Christmas morning.

I gave Andrew a special picture of you with a poem, "Grandpa's Gone to Heaven". As we read the words on the poem, I could imagine your voice reading the poem to Andrew. He was really touched with the gift. You had a real influence on him. He will remember you for always. Thank you for loving him and for loving Bailee, Gabriela and Kendall also. They all miss you.

We spent the evening at Grace's house. She is gravely ill. I was privileged to hold her hand and read scriptures to her. We prayed together for Jesus to come into her heart. She is so weak, she could barely speak, so I prayed the words. Then I asked her if she understood what we had prayed. She nodded her head yes. We asked him for strength and healing for her. Please ask God to send an angel of protection and a covering of peace around her. Also, for Grace's children, Jahnette, John and Lisa. They have some difficult decisions to make very soon. They need your divine wisdom in making these crucial decisions on how to provide the best care possible for their Mom.

I've been wondering if you have "bumped into" a man named, Virgil Hott. Today, is is first heavenly birthday. His wife, Peggy and I have been brought together, by God, and we have become dear friends. It is our hope & joy that you are "hanging around" together. We think the two of you have a lot in common. We spoke today, by phone, and laughed as we thought of the two of you having a marvelous Christmas Day in Heaven.
We will join both of you one day, when God calls us home.

Please Know That You Were Always Loved, and Will Never Be Forgotten

"I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me with loving memories of Bobby played at the opening of his Celebration of Life Service, 12/21/2007

Kim's Eulogy, spoken at Bobby's Celebration of Life Service, 12/21/2007

December 21, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

On this day, one year ago, we held your Celebration of Life Service. Many family and friends came to help celebrate your life.

Here are the words I shared on that day about you and our life together:

''I believe that our lives can be divided into chapters, like in a book. There is a beginning and an end, with many chapters in between. Some lives have lots of chapters and some have only a few. We may wonder why God allows so many to one and so few to another. We just do not know the answer. As you read through a book and you move from chapter to chapter, the story becomes clearer and more focused, until when you reach that final page, you realize you now know the whole story. We now know how Bobby’s book ends.

In Bobby’s life most of the chapters were very good, but sadly, a few were not so good. But through them all a single thread was woven that showed his zest and his love for life. He had a unique personality and was definitely a one of a kind. In other words, when God created him, he made sure the mold broke. There will never be another Robert Nelson Ray Sr.

As I look out on all of you, his family, friends, co-workers, & neighbors, I want to thank each of you for him and from me, for choosing to be here today to celebrate his life and honor his memory. It means so very much to me.

Many of you in this room have known Bobby through all the chapters of his life. Some of you worked with him, some of you are his neighbors, and some of you are simply his friend or my friend. I was deeply touched at the way our next door neighbor, Nancy, described him, that night when I told her he had passed away. She got tears in her eyes, held me to comfort me and then said, “He’s my buddy”. She was very protective of him and I thank her dearly for watching out for him so many times when I was at work. And the Lord knows, sometimes he took a lot of looking after!

For me, I was privileged to know him and be his wife for the last seven years of his life. And while I may wish I could have shared many, many more years with him that was not to be. Robert spent the last six days of his life in an ICU room at St. Vincent’s hospital. I too, spent the last six days of his life there, right beside him or in the ICU family waiting room. During those difficult days, as family members came and went, a couple of his wonderful sisters stayed with me all through the nights, except the one night, Mary asked it was all right for her to leave for the night. She said she was real tired and really needed to sleep and that my snoring kept her awake.
She wasn’t telling me something I had never heard before! I told her to go home.
.
Bobby has five brothers and sisters. Siblings may grow up together in a home and be very close to each other when they are young, but as adults, leading separate lives, they often times grow apart; sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Mary heard bit & pieces of stories about her brother during those long nights at the hospital. She asked me to speak here today and share a little about our lives together. I wasn’t sure I could, but I took a moment & closed my eyes and pictured what it might feel like to stand here today & have Jesus holding one hand and God holding the other. And so, with Them holding me up, how can I not have the strength to do this?

First, I want his son Robert Jr. & daughter, Sylvia to know how very proud their Dad was of each of them. He spoke often of that. He believed that both of you have, in his words, “turned out pretty good in spite of having him as their Dad.” He was proud to be their father.

One of his greatest joys was being a grandfather to 13 precious children, 8 granddaughters and 5 grandsons. He was “Papa” to some and “Grandpa Robert” to others. No day was ever as good for him as a day when he got to spend time with one or more of them. He enjoyed doing silly things and making them laugh. He liked to play with them and make them feel special. In recent years, some of our families have moved away, making spending time together a challenge, but even with the distance, he always held each one of you in a special place in his heart and he loved each of you very much. I know you will miss your Papa & Grandpa Robert very much. I will too. It is okay to talk about him. Always know, you can talk to your Mom or Dad or me about him anytime.

In our neighborhood, the kids knew & loved “Mr. Robert”. He always had a new movie to give them or was asking what movie they wanted next. They enjoyed helping him work in the yard & do little chores for him that they probably wouldn’t do at their own home for their own parents. Children can be that way you know. I heard a knock on the door the other afternoon. Allison, one of our sweet neighbor girls brought me this paper and asked me “to please take it to where Mr. Robert is.” Well, Sweetie, I can’t quite do that. But I can read it and cherish it and believe with all my heart that he knows what you wrote and I know he was proud to be your friend, Allison.

Robert always worked long hours and days, so we never really got to take regular vacations. But we took lots of mini-vacations at the Disney Resorts. Most times we went to Orlando, but sometimes we went to Hilton Head or Vero Beach. On one trip to Vero Beach, we pulled our boat along and were enjoying some good fishing. He loved to fish. Never having fished until I married Robert, he had a lot to teach me. I recall him being more excited when I caught one than when he caught a fish. On this fishing adventure, I can recall I had hooked a pretty good size fish, but he was trying hard to get away. Wanting me to get the fish, Bobby guided the boat following the fish and the fish line. All of a sudden, he started yelling “Oh my gosh” I looked to one side of the boat and saw a large yacht headed our way. I looked to the other side and saw 2 other yachts headed our way. They all had horns a blasting. In the exuberance of following my big fish, he had guided our 16 ft aluminum boat right into the middle of the channel. Needless to say, he very quickly got us out of danger. He later told me he was really afraid I was going to get dumped off the front of the boat. And yes, I did lose the fish.

Bobby was such a romantic, like the year he gave me a little Hallmark Teddy Bear for Valentine’s Day. I thanked him and said how cute the bear was. He kept urging me to look closer until finally I noticed the bear was wearing diamond earrings, one on each ear. I’m not sure, but I think he might have borrowed that idea from his brother Andy. If so, thanks Andy. He had lots of fun doing that.

On another occasion, I was trying to be the romantic one. Some of you know this story, and I know I will never live it down. We were in Orlando & Robert had gone to the gift store and purchased a little Mickey Mouse memento for me. While he was gone, I filled the jaccuzzi with bubbles, and lit tea light candles all around and waited anxiously for him to return. He walked in the room, I leaned my head back slightly. He looked carefully at me, the bubbles, and the candles and said every so gently, “Kim, your hair is on fire” So much for that romantic moment…

Once he sent me flowers for no special reason except he wanted to tell me he loved me. Regular old flowers from a regular old florist wouldn’t do for him on that day. He chose to send me two dozen roses cut fresh and shipped the same day from South America. Each rose was encased with lacey netting to protect the delicate petals. After you got the net off, then you carefully peeled back each outside petal to reveal the beautiful, fragrant rose within. I’m quite certain that it probably took me a good hour (while working) to open each rose and arrange it in the vase. I laughed & called it “ My Interactive Flower Gift”

But, the best gift he gave me was himself. I recall our very first meeting. He was a salesman at Office Max. I needed help finding something and he was busy helping someone else. When he finally came over and asked me if he could help me, I answered, “I’ve been waiting quite a while for you to be free.” He answered, “I’ve been free for about 3 ½ years.” And here we are today.

Robert showed me how to love again. He also taught me a great deal about compromising and meeting in the middle on lots of issues. We were a lot like the “Odd Couple” for those of you old enough to remember the show. I was “Felix” and he was “Oscar”. Last year we discovered the TV show “Monk”. He recorded all the episodes for us to watch. We had many good laughs as he came to realize that Mr. Monk & I share a lot of similarities. He loved the show, because he said it helped him understand me and why I am the way I am about so many things!

He couldn’t get over the fact that I could tell him ahead of it happening, exactly what Mr. Monk was going to do. And then when it would happen, he would say “That’s what you said he would do” “How did you know?” I would proceed to explain in great detail why Mr. Monk had done it. He would just shake his head.

Speaking of my using great detail to explain most anything, Robert would often times say to me “Kim, just give me the Reader’s Digest version. I don’t need the whole story!” I would get the hint and shorten my story.

Robert loved politics. He loved his country and was truly concerned about its direction. He loved talk radio and we would watch Fox News every night. Never known as a shy guy, if we were eating out & there were TV tuned to CNN, he would politely complain to a manager and they always ended up changing it to Fox News. I think they thought it was easier to give in to him than listen to him explain why CNN was so bad for a conservative, southern city. He loved to spar with anyone who was of the opposite political party. Sometimes I would just close my eyes and think, “He didn’t just say what I thought I heard, did he? He was looking forward to being involved with the upcoming presidential election. I will carry that on for him. During the last presidential election, he got a kick out of locating cars with John Kerry bumper stickers. He would casually walk slowly by, and slap a George Bush sticker over it. He thought it was hilarious and said he’d like to see their faces when they realized they had been driving all around town advertising for the opposite candidate.

I am quite proud of turning him into a country music lover. I remember the first time I made him take me to a country concert, He said, “I can’t believe you got me to go to a country concert.” He actually enjoyed it and seemed a little remorseful that he was one of only a few, without a country hat on. I promised him, I would make sure the next time we went, he would be dressed appropriately. I got him boots, buckle, shirt & hat, “the whole country package”. One of his favorite concerts was a few years ago. We went to see Vince Gill & Amy Grant’s Christmas concert. It really put him in the Christmas spirit that year. I will cherish the memory of that night.

When he discovered I was quite movie deprived, he set out on a mission to get me to watch every movie I think he ever saw. I literally have hundreds of movies to watch, now, but without him by my side, but always with him in my heart. I will miss the way he loved to take my hand and lead me in a dance as the final song played during the movie credits. He was quite a good dancer and I could never keep up with him.

As this final chapter of Robert’s life has been written and come to its end, I find great comfort in knowing that Jesus was his Savior and He had a place already prepared for him in heaven. When it comes down to the one thing that really matters for all eternity, it is that when your time comes, you are sure your name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life."

Always Know That You Were Always Loved And Will Never Be Forgotten.

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

"If Heaven" by Andy Griggs used at the close of Bobby's Celebration of Life service, 12/21/2007

Obituary Notice - August 22, 1954 - December 16, 2007 & One Year Anniversary of Bobby's Homegoing

Robert Nelson Ray Sr., 53, a member of Crown Point Baptist Church in Mandarin, passed peacefully out of this world into the waiting arms of his Lord, Jesus Christ, on December 16, 2007. He was born on August 22, 1954, in San Diego to Alice and George Ray and was preceded in death by his Mother, whom he loved dearly. Robert, leaves to cherish his memory; his loving wife, Kim; his father, George; 5 children and 13 grandchildren: son, Robert Jr. and Angie with Mollie, Cole, and Travis; Daughter, Sylvia Nguyen and Linh with Monique and Cecilia; step-children: Michael Giana and Kristi with Ashton and Noah; Blythe Giana and Jahnette with Andrew, Bailee, Gabriela, and Kendall; Farrah Collins and Jim with Kaitey and Lorna; brothers: George Jr. and Corrine; Andy and Gloria; sisters: Debbie Aragon and Lou; Mary Scarborough and Chuck; Becca Shoemaker and Pat; and a multitude of nieces, nephews, and loving friends. Robert held an Associate of Science in Computer Science from Mississippi College. He was also blessed with many other talents that he used throughout his life to help others. Whether he was fixing a computer, photographing a wedding, selling a car or room full of furniture, he did it with enthusiasm and passion. A memorial service to celebrate his life will be held on Sat., Dec. 22 at 1:00 pm at Harbor Baptist Church, 1120 Clay Street at US HWY 17, with Pastor Sam Jewell officiating. 


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December 16, 2008

On this day, it has been one year since you went to Heaven. It does not seem possible. I guess my concept of time, has been altered.
To honor and remember you, I invited your family and friends over for a special evening to share about our love you you. It was a memorable night. You were deeped loved by many.

I miss…
Hearing the sound of your voice
Hearing the sound of your laughter
Hearing “I love you” coming from your lips
Hearing you telling me that I am pretty 
Hearing your voice singing loudly, old hymns, in a church service
Hearing one of your deep “HO! HO! HO!’S,” during the holidays
Hearing the sound of your key turning in the front door
Hearing you reminisce about working at the first Church’s Fried Chicken restaurant in Jax 
Hearing you reminisce about working in the very 1st One Hour Photo lab in the country
Hearing the crackle of one of your roaring fires, on a cold winter day

Seeing the warmth of your smile
Seeing the twinkling of your eyes
Seeing the gray of your hair
Seeing your impish grin
Seeing your stubby fingers, with almost no nails, because you couldn’t stop biting them
Seeing you relaxing in our garden tub, with bubbles up to your chin 
Seeing your briefcase lying around
Seeing the mess of papers around your computer

Feeling the warmth of your love
Feeling your hand holding mine
Feeling your gentle kiss
Feeling your passionate kiss
Feeling your arm around me
Feeling the squeeze of your hands on my hurting neck
Feeling the wonderful foot massages you enjoyed giving me

Smelling your skin
Smelling your hair
Smelling Realm, your favorite after shave 
(Sometimes I open your bottle and breathe it in, it reminds me of you) 

I miss sharing the enjoyment of a roaring fire in the evening with you
I miss warming my cold feet at night just by touching your hot blooded legs and feet
I miss going fishing to one of your favorite fishing spots
I miss making noodles & tomatoes for you
I miss making grits for you on Sunday mornings
I miss going to country concerts with you, all decked out in your “country gear”, cowboy hat, silver belt buckle, and boots 
I miss dancing to the music with you, as movie credits roll at the end

I wish I could helped you more
I wish you hadn’t left us so soon; you should have had many, many more years to live
I wish I had listened to you more about slowing down my activity level at night;
And just spent more time with you sitting on the couch
I wish I could get “time” with you back, I would cherish each moment.

Remember:
You Were Always Loved, And Will Never Be Forgetten

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Thanksgiving Day - 2008

November 27, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Today is Thanksgiving. It is the last of my “first holidays” to get through without you. Although each holiday has had the sadness of missing you, today’s holiday is probably the most bittersweet. That is because of last year’s Thanksgiving celebration. As it turns out, it was the last time we went out together. I cherish all the small moments of that day. 

You slept in, like usual! I don’t think I ever knew anyone, who liked to sleep as much as you, except, maybe your mother, Alice! Thinking of her, last month, October 30, was the anniversary of her death. I went to her graveside and stood there for a long while as I reflected on the many times I had stood there, by your side, in the past. You never said a word. Tears filled your eyes each time, as you remembered her, with such love. I don’t think you ever really got over her death. Last year, 2007, you drove yourself to the cemetery. You were supposed to wait for me to get home. But you didn’t. You went on by yourself. I’m not sure why you didn’t wait for me. When I arrived at the cemetery, you were standing there, alone, by her gravesite and tears were streaming down your face. All I could do was put my arms around you and hold you. And now, I wonder what it would have been like on that day, if either of us had known that in just 48 short days, you would be taken from us on earth, and you would once again be in the arms of your beloved mother, Alice, and then ushered, into the waiting arms of Jesus. For me, if I had known, I am sure I would have held you tighter and I would have most assuredly held you in my arms a lot longer.

Reflecting on the rest of our 2007 Thanksgiving Day, we went to two family dinners. First, we went to Sherri & Tim’s to celebrate the day at 1 pm and then on to Sylvia & Linh’s at 5 pm. Looking back, I am not sure how you found the energy to do both. You were very, very sick and yet somehow, you were so vibrant on this day. And what a good day it was. After all the goodbyes with my family, we drove to Sylvia’s where she had cooked her first Thanksgiving Day turkey dinner. She was so excited to have us coming to her special dinner. Under normal circumstances, you would never have eaten two complete Thanksgiving meals, but on this day you did. You really enjoyed yourself. I believe God blessed you with extra strength and energy for the day. He knew you would be leaving us very soon. 

The pictures Sylvia took on that day were the last ones taken of you. I treasure them, especially the one she took of you and me. Even though you are obviously sick, you are still smiling and I can see the sparkle in your eyes. I keep that picture in my Bible, a reminder of a very special day, a day full of love, for each other and for our families.

This year, Sylvia went to Alabama to be with her mom. She even invited me to go along with her. She is always so kind to me. I thanked her for the invitation. 

As I was preparing my green bean casserole, I could hear the traditional sounds of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade playing on the TV in the background. For just a moment, I closed my eyes and imagined it was 2007, not 2008. It smelled the same and it sounded the same. But it wasn’t the same. Last year, I could have glanced over to your chair and seen you sitting there. Today, all I saw was an empty chair. I let the tears fall and didn’t even try to stop them. It was going to be so emotional going to dinner and sitting at that same table where I had sat with you last year. 

Once arriving at Sherri and Tim’s home, I focused on greeting everyone in my family. God is so gracious and wonderful to me. Once my eyes saw our newest granddaughter, Clara, it was if God used the blessing of this new precious life, to help me hide away the sadness, at the memory of your sickness and the loss of your life, a mere 25 days later. 

We started a new tradition in our family this year. Sherri had a spiral notebook and throughout our time together, each family member, took turns writing down what they were thankful for this year. As I did that, I began to think of the many things I have to be thankful for.

I am most thankful for a God who loves me so much that He has provided for my every need this year. Whether physical, emotional or financial, He always makes a way for me. When you were my husband, you were my provider. Being without you, as my provider, has allowed me to focus and depend more on Him. He always provides or makes a way for me, even when situations appear hopeless. I have received so many blessings, that I decided to begin a blessings basket. When something or someone blesses me, I write it down and drop it in my “Blessings Basket.” Then, when I am having a hard day, I can just reach in my basket and be reminded of a blessing I had on another day.

For you, my love, I imagine, everyday is Thanksgiving. The only difference is here we sit around a table and offer a prayer of Thanksgiving to God for what we have. Where you are, He sits at the head of your table and you can speak directly to Him. How amazing that must be! I look forward to joining you at that table one day. Until then…

Always Know That You Were Loved, And Will Never Be Forgotten.

Love Always,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Eleventh Month Since Bobby's Homegoing - November 16, 2008

November 16, 2008

Eleven months have now gone by since the day we lost your presence with us. It seems hard to believe that so much time has passed. 

Sometimes I feel like it was just the other day when I heard your sweet voice calling me and asking me to pick up a new movie to watch together. Now I have a hard time watching a movie without thinking of you. Whenever we watched a movie that you had already seen, I remember how you use to hit me on the leg and say "Watch This, Watch This!" It took me years to get you to stop that little habit! 

Sometimes when I see a white Saturn driving on the road, I instinctively quickly look to see if it's you. Of course, I know it's not, but I still look, sometimes even when I am behind the wheel, driving your white Saturn. Those are some of the times when I feel like I am losing my mind. I am told that is normal, so I won't worry too much about it. 

Sometimes I am in a store and I see a man in the distance who has a resemblance to you. I find that I can't stop staring and wishing it was you. I try to look away, but my eyes seem to just want "one more look." 

Sometimes I am in church and I see a husband put his arm around his wife and I can't help but think of you and the loving way you used to put your arm around me in church or the way you would gently hold my hand while we were singing. Oh, how I would love to hear to hear your voice sing one more time. The angels must have been thrilled to have your voice join with theirs in singing and praising God. 

Sometimes I just miss having you to talk with. Earlier this month, much to my dismay, I got laid off from my job. I know what an encourager you would have been to me. And yet, even though it has been so many months since you were here, you are still helping me. Last fall, you set a profile up for me on Jobs.com. I am thankful now that I didn't delete it from the computer. I also modified your Monster profile to be mine! You would have been proud of me!!! 

I could sure use any extra prayers or guidance on how to find the job that will be right for me. I have so many obstacles working against me- my age, my physical limitations, and the economic conditions in our country. For the first time ever, I have filed for unemployment. Thanks to watching you do it a few times, I knew how to go online and file my claim! My first check should be coming soon. I am just not sure how to get out there and find this job that I so desperately need. There are so many people looking for jobs. For now, I am trusting that God will show me the way. He will put the right person in my path to either meet me or read my resume and call me. I will have faith. He will not fail me. I have claimed Romans 8:28 for my verse to get me through this difficult time. That is the same verse that I read to you so many times, when you weren't sure what you were supposed to do with your life. My prayer is that I can take these circumstances I find myself in, and watch things come together according to His will and that I will soon be able to see clearly the path God has outlined for me. 

As always, my love... 

Know That You Were Always Loved, And Will Never Be Forgotten, 

Love, 
Kim 
Phil 4:13 and Romans 8:28 

Election Day - November 4, 2008

November 4, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert, 

Today is Election Day for our country’s President. This is a day, which I know you were looking forward to. I recall how concerned you were for the direction our country seemed headed. If you were still with us, that concern would be magnified many times from what you felt last year. So much has gone on in our country and in the world. 

It seems like a lifetime ago, remembering when you and I sat around watching Fox News programs , with you rooting for Rudy Guiliani and me rooting for Mitt Romney, to be the Republican candidate. Well, neither of our guys made it, but I have come to be pretty comfortable with our party’s team of John McCain and Sarah Palin. I believe you would have, too. I can only imagine the many conversations we would have had, regarding the opportunity for our country to elect the first woman Vice-President or the first African-American President. It would have filled many, many evenings for us, speculating on the outcome. 

I got up very early this morning to vote when the polls opened. I was still # 102 in line to cast my ballot. I stood in line for an hour for the privilege of casting my vote (or should I say “our vote”) because I surely felt as if I were casting your vote also. I missed standing in the line with you. No one else could see, but my eyes welled up with tears a couple of times with remembrances of our past voting times. You would always give me a wonderful neck message as we waited our turn to vote. I felt so lonely standing by myself, with husbands and wives standing and chatting all around me. 

As I drove away from the polling place, I felt a deep sadness. But, then I prayed for my sadness to go away and in a very short time I found a smile replacing my sadness as I thought of you in Heaven with the King of Kings. There is no need for elections where you reside! That matter has already been settled, once and for all! Your King is the King above all Kings.

Another important matter has been settled tonight. Our new President will be Barack Obama, our country’s first African American President. While he was not the candidate of my choice, now that he has been duly elected, he is my President and I will support him and will most certainly pray for him. I am quite sure, you would have done the same.

Please Know That You Were Always Loved, And Will Never Be Forgotten, 

Kim 
Phil 4:13 

Daughter, Sylvia's First Birthday Since Her Father's Homegoing - November 3, 2008

November 3, 2008

Today is not only Sylvia's birthday, but it is the day that I donated your suit to a program called "Suited 4 Success." It was a decision that I asked both Sylvia and Robert Jr. to join in making with me. I am so proud of each of their responses.

I hope they will not mind, I am choosing to include our communications about this here in this special place where we can come and write and share our deep feelings about you.

It represents a significant part of healing our grief.

This is the message I sent to them:

Good Morning Robert and Sylvia,
There is something I would appreciate you insight on. Not very long after your Dad's passing, I faced the emotional task of removing his clothes from our closet. I gently folded and put them in grocery size bags, carefully labeling the contents and size of each bag. I put the bags in the dining room behind the table. My plan had been to give them to the Vietnam Vets program. I had received a card in the mail that they were going to be in my area. When I realized that I had to leave them outside for someone to pick up while I was at work, I couldn't do it. To me, it felt like I would be putting his things "out for the trash", although I knew it wasn't. I let the date for calling them go by and his things stayed in the dining room.

I rarely go in that room and I guess in a wierd sort of way, I was comforted in knowing his clothes were nearby. When his birthday came, I came to the realization that, in keeping the bags of perfectly good clothes, I was preventing someone who was in need of the gift of receiving them. I knew that your Dad would have wanted me to make sure that others in need could have them.

So, on the Sunday after his birthday, I donated them to the Agape House of my church. It is a ministry that allows persons in the Middleburg area, who are in need, to come and shop for food and clothing, at no charge. I had heard they were in need of men's clothing, so I put "2 and 2 together" and realized that I was being selfish by not donating them. 

On Saturday, I made the decision to take them to church on the next day. It wasn't easy to pick up the bags and load them into the back of the van. But I did. I arrived early on that Sunday morning and took two of the bags into the designated area of the church. As I sat them down, I realized that I was having a hard time breathing and I knew I was not going to be able to get them all inside by myself. There were many bags to carry and It was quite a distance from where I had to park. I went on into church and my niece, Sherri said she would help me after church. 

She did and after a few trips back and forth, everything was in the room. As I stepped back and took one last look at his things, I was suddenly overcome with emotion and as I walked out I could not stop the tears. Sherri could see what a hard time I was having and she put her arm around me to help me walk to the car. As we walked, we went right by one of the church deacons named Ben. He immediately asked if he could help. I recall mumbling something about not knowing how hard it was going to be. Sherri explained what we had just done. He was so kind and put his arms around me, hugged me and then prayed a beautiful prayer for me and for each of the men who would ultimately benefit from the gift of your Dad's clothes.

I kept a few pieces of his things that i just couldn't part with. One of them is his suit. He only wore it twice, once to his Dad's wedding to Theresa and then to my Dad's funeral, just a few days before we found out that he, himself, was very ill. 

He enjoyed telling me about how he used to wear three piece suits all the time. I would tell him that I bet he was very handsome! And from the smug grin on his face, I could tell he thought so too! 

I've not known what to do with his suit. This morning, on our local news, I heard about a program called "Suited 4 Success". They collect "gently used" suits and help outfit a man who has been recently released from prison. The program not only gives them a suit, but helps them through the process of getting a job. It involves some counseling and training for job interviews and generally helps a man assimilate back into the community with a positive outlook. I felt right away that this is the right place to donate your Dad's suit.

I would appreciate your input on how you feel about me taking his suit there. 
We all know how many times, your dad was prevented from getting a good job because of things in his past. It frustrated him greatly, but it was a reality we had to deal with. I think he would agree and be proud that his suit would help another man, who may have had similar issues as he did. He ALWAYS donated something to any program that was selling anything that had a goal of keeping kids off of drugs. It might have only been the change in his pocket or my purse, but he was faithful to give at least something. He felt passionately about that issue and we all know why.

I look forward to hearing back from each of you. I apologize for asking about this issue in an email. I don't mean or intend for this to be impersonal, but it would just have been too emotional to speak to each of you about it. I guess it is a self protecting thing.

My love to both of you,
Kim
Phil 4:13 

Sylvia responded with this:

I really feel strongly to give the suit to Suited 4 Success. Because dad was one of those people who could not get a job due to his past. I even think if he was alive today he would do it. I can just see the smile on his face as you hand that Suit of love over to someone that would be blessed to have a second chance. That would really raise someone's self esteem because when they place that suit on they will feel important it just does something to a man, kind a like when a woman puts on a brand new pair of high heels on. Thumbs Up.

Love ya,
Sylvia

Robert Jr. responded with this:

Kim we are so proud of you to make such an unselfish decision. I am sure it is like a part of you feels like you are closing a door in a sad way. We are so grateful dad married a beautiful giving women. I think giving his suit to bless someone else is a wonderful idea. We support you and our grateful for you for handling all of dads things. 

We are sorry that you have had to make such difficult, emotional and sad decisions. I hope you can find some comfort to know that we are grateful for what you have done. And that these tough & emotional decisions are being a blessing to many others. It sounds like God, our Father, has lead you to just the right places. 

Dad,your love, will never be forgotten in our hearts. There will always be wonderful memories to cherish and share. We love you for who you are and thank you for giving me good memories to cherish with dad.

Robert Jr

And so my love, with the blessings of your children, your handsome gray suit has been donated to "Suited 4 Success."

Always Know That You Were Loved And Will Never Be Forgotten

Love,
Kim 
Phil 4:13

Christina Aguilera "Hurt" Lyrics

Halloween October 31, 2008

(October 31, 2008)

Halloween is upon us today. I recall that when you married me, you were unaware of how strongly I felt about this holiday, but you found out pretty quickly! It had nothing to do with allowing children to have fun with dressing up in costumes and getting candy. But, it is that there is a very dark, sinister side to this holiday as it is celebrated by those who worship Satan. It breaks my heart to even contemplate some of the horrors that take place on this day. I thank you for respecting my feelings and understanding. It is a day that all Christians should pray intercessory prayers for those affected by these distorted views and beliefs.

I recall the first Halloween after we moved into our new house. You were so excited to be living in a neighborhood and were really looking forward to passing out candy to the children. All the kids in the neighborhood loved "Mr. Robert"! The bowl of candy was by the door, waiting for you to come home from work and for the costumed children to knock on the door and say "Trick or Treat!"

And then you called to tell me, that at the last minute, you had a furniture delivery to make that evening and needed for me to bring the van to you. You had completely forgotten that it was Halloween. When I reminded you, you sighed heavily in frustration. You had planned a fun evening at home. But, you had also promised a sweet older lady, that you would deliver her couch to her on that evening. She was from New Orleans and had lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. I'll always remember how you gave up your first Halloween in our new house to help a distraught woman get furniture into her new apartment. I was proud of you.

And if I recall, the next year, you got to hand out lots of candy to the children in our neighborhood.

And how can I forget last Halloween? I had bought plenty of candy for you to hand out, but you your supply was running low. (Probably because you were giving out handfuls instead of pieces!) By the time I got home from work, you were handing out anything that was individually wrapped from our pantry - cereal bars, breakfast cookies, and even packets of instant oatmeal! We laughed together later as we pondered what the kids must have thought when they got home and checked out their "loot." But, thanks to you and your ingenuity, some kids probably had a healthy bowl of hot oatmeal before going to school the next morning! I smile now, remembering.

This year, as usual, I preferred to be someplace other than home on this night. Our church hosted an event for the community. I helped with one of the activities and stayed until it was over. And then, I scheduled an interesting end to my first Hallowwen night without you.

I had arranged to have a sleep study done and so I checked myself into a Sleep Center for the night. I did it because of you. You were always concerned about my snoring, (and I am sure you were also frustrated by it!) You thought I might have sleep apnea.

It was an odd feeling, having wires attached all over me. I was supposed to lay down and just go to sleep. Easier said than done! I lay there thinking about you. Many times you had expressed a fear that I might stop breathing one night and you would wake up to find that I had died in my sleep. Well, my sweetheart, that did not happen. But your instincts were right. I passed their test criterea and by 2:00 AM, my sleep consultant woke me to say that I did indeed have sleep apnea and it was so severe that they put a machine and mask on me right then and there. I chuckled to myself, when I realized they probably didn't want to be held responsible if I died in my sleep, on their shift, sometime between 2 and 6 AM!

Thank you for loving me enough to keep telling me how worried you were about my sleeping. It took me awhile to get around to it, but I will now be getting the medical care needed. Your urgings to get treatment may have saved my life. My days are as yours were, numbered from the very beginning. Our heavenly Father is the only one who knows the number of days we have. But I do know I am supposed to take care of myself while I am left here on this earth. Please know that I will miss you on every one of the days that God leaves me here.

Always Know That You Were Loved, And Will Never Be Forgotten,

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Beloved- Tenth Avenue North

Tenth Month Anniversary Of Bobby's Homegoing - October 16, 2008

October 16, 2008

 

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Ten months have now come and gone since that December day when God called you home, to your eternal home. During these months, I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride. By that I mean there have been ups and downs and sometimes I feel I have been turned completely upside down. Using a roller coaster analogy, has brought back a flood of fun memories.

Although I had been on a few rides, I was never a big fan of roller coasters, until God brought you into my life, and then, I brought the Disney Vacation Club into your life! I am smiling as I remember standing in line, the first time to get on the Rocking Roller Coaster at MGM Studios. I wasn’t sure I was ready to do it. You kept encouraging me and then we were off to the fastest few minutes I ever experienced. Little did I know that was only the beginning of our roller coaster adventures. Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Alien Encounter, Test Track, Mission to Mars, and the Twilight Tower of Terror. And I’ll never forget the year we went to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Night and we went on a “calm roller coaster ride” which it was, until the final plunge, straight down, and we got soaked and you lost your favorite Disney Vero Beach hat when it went flying into oblivion. I am both sorry and sad that we never had a chance to vacation again at Vero Beach, where you would have most assuredly replaced your hat! I always knew that resort was your favorite get-a-way. Some of my most treasured memories come from our adventure trips there. I miss having you around to do those things with. We built a lifetime of memories into our years together. I cherish each of them.

I really missed you a couple of weeks ago, when I had to have some medical tests done at a Day Surgery center. Sherri, my dear sweet niece, stepped in and made certain that I was taken care of. She drove me there, waited and then drove me home. When I was there, I remembered the times of taking you for various tests and procedures. You always thanked me for being there with you and then you promised me that you would always be there for me, when I needed something similar done. But you weren’t. You couldn’t be, because God had already called you home. My eyes filled with tears as I tried to imagine what it would be like to have you standing there, holding my hand and calming my fears. I missed you so much that day. But I am so thankful that I have been blessed with Sherri. I wish you could know the many acts of caring that she has shown me in these past ten months. God will surely bless her for her faithfulness in taking care of her “Auntie Kim”.

She has introduced me to many wonderful new friends at church. You would have come to love First Baptist Middleburg as much as I do. When I look to the front of the church on Sunday mornings and see the empty orchestra seats, I can’t help but think you would have wanted to get a new violin and join them. I would have been so proud of you. I will never forget the stories you told me about your violin playing in school. Even all these years later, your face beamed with pride as you told me how you were invited back to play at your former school for a special event. It meant a lot to you, I feel, because they showed such respect to you, for your accomplishments I wish there was a picture of that night so I could see what you looked like. I am quite certain you were smiling “ear to ear!”


Another way I really miss you is politically. I am holding true to my promise to keep on fighting in this Presidential election for the values we both believe in. I got to meet John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin, at a recent rally. It was held at The Landing, which is the same place you and I met George W Bush, many years ago. This time, for Sherri and I, it was another 4:15 AM morning. It was well worth losing a little sleep for. She was awesome. I can’t help but imagine how much fun we would be having, volunteering for this campaign together. I would have enjoyed hearing your insights on a female Vice-President candidate. I go to the Republican Headquarters after work and try to help get our message out. Our candidate has an uphill road to climb, in order to win. All we can do is work hard for him (John McCain) and pray hard (to Him! – for His guidance, His mercy and His grace on our country.)

Our neighbor Tom, stopped me the other day, to tell me that he recently thought of you and the story I had shared at your Celebration of Life Service about how I talked you into replacing a John Kerry bumper sticker with a George W Bush sticker on an unsuspecting person’s car. We laughed so hard at the thought of someone driving around, advertising for the opposite candidate! We wondered how long it took before they realized what had happened. Well, Tom did it himself, today. He wanted me to know that he did it “In Memory of You” and your strange sense of humor! I thanked him and told him you would have laughed hysterically that someone else did the same thing!

I have come to realize that these “Grief Letters” I have been writing on the 16th of every month and on each holiday are actually misnamed. Each of the different grief counseling programs I have attended have all encouraged the writing of “Grief Letters” as a way of expressing our feelings and to help us cope with the many layers of loss we are going through. It strikes me that the name “Grief Letter” doesn’t fit for me. So from this day forward, I am calling them my “Coping Letters.” That is what they do for me. They help me cope with your loss.

I know on a conscious level, that you are in Heaven and can’t actually have any awareness of the things you left behind and things, such as these letters, that I faithfully write. But on an emotional level, it is a different story and I feel comforted by writing and sharing my thoughts to you. You were such an important part of my life for many years, and I believe by writing and sharing these thoughts it helps me as I begin to adjust to the reality of my life, without you as my husband.

It was very difficult to do, but after my surgery, as I began to put my jewelry back on, I realized that the time had come to stop wearing my wedding ring on my left hand. So with tears flowing down my face, I gently placed my beautiful diamond wedding ring onto my right hand. I will always cherish it and will always remember the deep love with which you gave it to me. I will always wear it, until the day that God calls me home. And then I want your precious daughter, Sylvia to have it. She, probably more than anyone else, understands how much you and I meant to each other. I think you would agree with that and would want her to have our wedding ring.

My love, there is so much more I want to share here, but its very late and I know I need to try to sleep. You would be proud to know that after all of your prodding and an additional ten months, to ponder on it, I have finally decided to have a sleep study done to diagnose my sleep apnea problem. You were quite certain I had it and really wanted me to get help. So, on Halloween Night, (of all days), I am booked into a “Sleep Study Suite”. Doesn’t that sound like fun! Someone has to listen to me snore all night! That poor person won’t have the luxury of waking me up to stop snoring or the option of moving to another room, like you did. What a job! I hope it pays well! I am sure you would agree.

Good Night, My Love…
Please Know That You Were Always Loved and Will Never Be Forgotten.

With Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Ninth Month since Bobby's Homegoing - September 16, 2008

September 16, 2008
 

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Yesterday I faced the day that would have been our eighth anniversary. And now today, I face a new day that is also significant as it represents exactly nine months ago since we lost your earthly presence among those of us who loved you so very much.

Nine months is three quarters of a year. Wow! It seems impossible that much time has gone by. I glance over at my Dad's recliner, which quickly became your favorite chair, after Dad passed away. I can close my eyes, for a moment, and I can almost "see" or at least visualize, what each of you looked like when you were sitting in it. It is a bittersweet memory, as it reminds me that I have lost both of my favorite men. You each made my life more complete and more blessed by being there for me.

I will have to be certain to thank God for allowing me the privilege of being not only George Beitel's daughter but also, to be the wife of Robert Ray Sr..

I am smiling, as I just remembered how I used to introduce myself to some of your friends. You would say,"This is Kim, my new wife." I recall jumping right in with the following line "And, I am going to be his last wife!" And I was.

Please Always Know That You Were Loved, And Will Never Be Forgotten.

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

"When God Made You" by Newsong & Natalie Grant

First Anniversary after Bobby's Homegoing - September 15, 2008

September 16, 2008

My Dear Sweet Robert,

On this day, eight years ago, on September 15, 2000, you and I exchanged our wedding vows and became husband and wife. It is a day I will never forget and a day I will cherish forever in my memory.

When I awoke, I missed you the very first thing this morning. Then, I missed you in the afternoon and I know when I lay my head down on my pillow later tonight, I will surely miss you even more.

How I wish you could have been here to share this day with me. I know it was meant to be day of joy and celebrating the love we shared. But, it just doesn’t feel right to have an anniversary without you. I am really struggling with that. I was recently reminded that when most people exchange wedding vows, they usually remember the part, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”… but don’t seem to remember the last part of the vow…”until death us do part.” That is the hard part.

I made a decision to take this special day and dedicate it to you and the precious remembrances of our years together. Although my sadness is deep and profound, I chose not to allow this to be a sad day (other than, of course, the sadness that you aren’t physically here.) I was helped immensely with the support of many of our family. They helped me so much get through a difficult day.

You would have been proud of me. This morning I had the opportunity to attend a political rally for John McCain. I got up at 4:00 AM and Sherri and I headed off downtown to be among the first in line to get through the Secret Service security and into the Veterans Memorial Arena to meet and hear from him. What an exciting morning we had.

Many dignitaries were there. I was most excited to see my good old “Favorite Governor”, Jeb Bush, was there. I actually got his autograph, on my John McCain poster. (It is now proudly displayed in the front window of our home And I wonder how long it will be before the Homeowner’s Association will notice.) And then I got an awesome photo of John McCain and Cindy McCain in my camera phone. While I was taking the pictures, Sherri got to shake hands with both John and Cindy McCain. She was so excited. And I know you would have been thrilled to hear Jacksonville’s own American Idol finalist, Phil Stacey, sang the Star Spangled Banner. He did an awesome job.

Mid-morning Sylvia, Cecelia and I went to St. Augustine. We sat on the grassy knoll beside the Old Fort, under the trees, in the exact spot where we had our wedding. We shared, laughed and cried some tears as we each remembered you. We read out loud, many cards that you had given to me through the years and then we read lots of cards that other family had given to you through the years. I looked at and read each wedding card that was given to us. What sweet memories came to my mind.

Then I read out loud, the vows that I had written to say to you during our wedding ceremony. Doing that brought a flood of memories rushing back to me. I asked Cecelia to read a story that Hospice had given to me. She read a beautiful story about water bugs and dragonflies and what happens when their bodies change from an ugly water bug to a beautiful dragonfly. She did a great job reading it. You would have been proud of her. As you know, today is also her birthday and she is growing into a beautiful young lady who is now eleven years old. She really misses Papa. We all do.

Tonight, I invited your brothers and sisters to join me for a Mexican dinner at your favorite restaurant, La Napalero. George, Corrine, Mary, Chuck, Becca, and Erika came and graciously shared in my anniversary dinner celebration. I am so glad they came. They all help me so much. I am so blessed that they are keeping me in their family. I wonder, if I’ve let them know how very much they really means to me. I promise you that I will make a point to do that this week.

My love, I am now reaching the end of the evening and I don’t think I can fulfill a goal that I set for myself. I have been preparing mentally for months, to take off my wedding rings, on this our Anniversary Day. But, it seems I find I am not prepared as emotionally to do it and, so for now, I won’t. The rings will stay right where they are on my left hand. I wear your gold band behind my beautiful diamond wedding ring. I know I feel a special comfort when I look at them on my hand. And I guess I realize that my emotions are still too raw to handle removing something so beautiful that you gave me, which has such meaning to me.

Happy Anniversary, to you, my love. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love you gave me, and for all the moments you made me feel special and so loved. I treasure that more than you could possibly know.


Please Know That You Were Always Loved And Never Will Be Forgotten,

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

Come to Jesus

Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)- Chris Rice

Bobby's First Earthly Birthday Since His Homegoing - August 22, 2008

(August 22, 2008)

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Happy Birthday, my love. You would have been 54 today. I wonder how it is in Heaven? Are you still 53, as you were when you died? Or are you a year older there? I guess the answer doesn’t much matter, since you are there for eternity, anyway.
It was probably amazing to have your birthday in the presence of the very One who created you and made your very life possible! Wow!

I found myself reflecting today on how we have “shared” eight birthday celebrations together. I remember on one year, you got mixed up and missed my birthday on the 20th, thinking I was the one whose birthday was on August 22. We had a good laugh over that! I still didn’t quite understand how you could have forgotten your own birthday! And I remember thinking, how disappointed you must have been to think that not only me, but the rest of your family had forgotten yours. We could never have done that!

Tonight, we had a celebration in honor of your birthday. For months, Sylvia has thought about and planned how to celebrate your birthday in a way that would have special meaning. She decided to cook your favorite meal, - fried chicken and noodles and tomatoes. It was very good. You taught her well! We had a special evening together as we shared memories of you. Your daughter, Sylvia, and granddaughters, Monique and Cecelia, loved you dearly and miss you deeply. Your absence from their lives has impacted each of them in unique ways.

Your absence in my life has also had a profound impact on me.

Know That You Were Always Loved And Never Will Be Forgotten.

Love,
Kim
Phil 4:13

2nd Anniversary of Earline Braddock's Homegoing - August 21, 2008

(August 21, 2008)

My Dear Sweet Robert,

Today is the two year anniversary of your dear friend, Earline Braddock’s death. I remember it so clearly, because we were at Disney celebrating our birthdays, when you got that telephone call from Robert Braddock, telling you that Earline probably had only a few hours to live. We quickly packed up and left, heading back to Jacksonville. You were so quiet on the ride home. I know you were torn between wanting to get there in time to say your good-bye to her and at the same time being afraid to see her and almost hoping that you didn’t make it there in time. As it turned out, God took her home in His timing and we did not make it back in time.

I can imagine that she was right there on December 16, 2007, to help welcome you into Heaven. I can envision hearing her sweet voice saying, “Well, Hello Robert! I am so glad to see you here.”

She was your friend from many, many years back in your life. I am so glad that you were able to get reconnected with her.

I remember that we were fishing out on Mantanzas Inlet, when you got that phone call from Robert Braddock. You had not heard from him in years and he was trying to find you and tell you about Earline’s battle with cancer. You were devastated to hear of her illness. Tears rolled down your face as you told me about your special friendship that went all the way back to when you were teenagers.

I know that I was blessed to have the opportunity to become her friend, during her last years. My life became enriched because of knowing her. I enjoyed her immensely. One of the things I remember was Earlene’s optimistic attitude and I remember how we shared wonderful, long conversations about Jesus. She was ready to meet him. She had no fear of dying. She knew He had a placed already prepared for her.

As I think about you, I am comforted in knowing that you too, knew Jesus personally, and you also knew that He had a place already prepared for you.

One day, I will join you and we will rejoice together.
Until then…

Always Know That You Were Loved, And Never Will Be Forgotten

Love,
Kim
Phil. 4:13